How to be Gracious Under Fire

Image by alasdair.d via Flickr

Criticism is hard to take. Even the well meaning, thoughtful criticism from people who sincerely want to help you be better bruises your ego a little and can make you feel defensive. When it comes to the nasty, vitriolic stuff . . . well, it can be hard to accept it with any kind of grace - even when its justified!

But its important to learn to graciously respond to criticism - especially the mean-spirited stuff and the feedback delivered in anger. There is no value in responding in kind. Even though it is sooooo tempting and might feel good for a moment, in the long run no one comes out of it a winner and nothing positive is gained.

I've had to deal with a bit of criticism in my time. Some of it I have been hugely appreciative of, some of it not so much. But every criticism I have received (even the stuff I've felt to be completely unjustified) has offered up opportunities to learn something about myself and to become better.

I struggle not to respond to negative feedback with more negativity . . . an angry retort when I feel the critique to be unfair or wallowing in self-loathing over my weaknesses when they are brought to my attention. Neither of these responses are particularly conducive to personal growth!

So, how do you respond to criticism graciously?

• Wait
  If your first impulse is to respond defensively, then take a few deep breaths. Give yourself a moment (or two) to calm down and cool off. Don't make your response until you can be more objective.
  
  
• Is it really so important to be right?
  Sometimes it really is more important to be kind than it is to be right. Put yourself in the other person's shoes - maybe they have a valid point but haven't expressed it well, maybe they're having a bad day, maybe you've inadvertently hit a nerve . . .
  
  Its tempting to argue, its tempting to point out all the reasons why they are wrong, its tempting to pick holes in their reasoning, call attention to their own failings, resort to name calling . . . but it serves no purpose, creates even more negativity and is ultimately a waste of your energy.
  
  So be kind. Thank them for their feedback. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Move on.
  
  
• Look for lessons
  There is always a lesson. Whether its something directly related to the criticism you received, a lesson about other people, or a lesson about yourself.
  
  Be honest with yourself. Its not always easy to accept that your critic may have a point - especially when their criticism is delivered in anger. But try to consider that you may indeed have room to improve.
  
  And if there are changes you need to make . . . then make them.
  
  
• Don't dwell on it
  Don't let the fact that your weaknesses have been exposed get you down. We're none of us perfect. If the feedback received was fair and useful - implement it and move on. Be grateful of the opportunity to become a better person.
  
  When the criticism wasn't so constructive or was just plain out nasty, don't take it personally. Often, mean-spirited criticism isn't about you, its about your critic - a manifestation of their own insecurities, fears and troubles. Learn what you can from it and let it go.
  
  

How do you handle criticism?

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An Ounce of Kindness

Image by elycefeliz via FlickrI read a blog post at Platonic Trip a while back that has stayed with me, kind of like a splinter that I just haven't been able to dig out. Its been irritating me beyond measure!

The gist of the post is that the writer was amongst a group of people approached by a man asking for money to buy medicine for his sick kids. Only one member of the group gave any money. The writer of the post outlined his reasons for not giving. According to his way of thinking the man asking for the money should have gone to the Church, or some Government agency to ask for help rather than bail up a group of individuals and try to emotionally blackmail them into helping him and his family out. The writer felt that there was no point in helping the man as he should have gone elsewhere to get the money he needed and drew the conclusion that kindness is a weakness and therefore not a virtue worth pursuing.

This post bothers me on many different levels.

I am not a fan of being approached by people in need asking me for money. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I like to have time to consider my options, to feel that I am not being taken advantage of. Giving in a face to face manner makes me anxious - I worry that I am not giving enough, or I'm giving too much, or I'm not being effective in my giving by giving directly to an individual. Given all this, I can relate to the fact that the writer of the post wasn't thrilled at being approached by the man asking for money.

However, his reasons for not giving seem shallow and badly thought out.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is a bad thing to not give money in situations like this. Many people are on limited or fixed incomes themselves and don't have spare for spontaneous giving. And the writer is correct, there are agencies and institutions in most countries that are set up to help people in just these circumstances. I'm sure the man in need could have visited them.

Perhaps he didn't know where to go? Rather than simply ignore him and his story, perhaps someone could have shown him a kindness and pointed him in the right direction to get help?

Was it really emotional blackmail appealing to the kindness of strangers in a time of need? I'm not advocating that anyone hand their life savings over to the first desperate sounding stranger with a sob story that approaches them, but surely, if you have a little money (time, food, other appropriate item) spare would it really hurt to share? Even if it does make you anxious or uncomfortable?

While his reasons for not giving disappoint me, the writer's conclusion that kindness is a weakness gobsmacks me.

Kindness is not the same as naivety. Its not blindly giving to everyone who asks, its not meekly accepting other people's bad behaviour, or unquestioningly believing whatever you are told.

Kindness is about choosing to make cups of tea for angry people because you know that your actions will make a difference. Its about being generous when you can do so, and respectfully saying no when you feel it is inappropriate or simply not possible. Kindness is about being strong and standing up for what you believe in, about being respectful and assertive. Kindness is about cultivating connections with others and building community.

Kindness would have to be one of my favourite virtues. It shows real strength of character.

.

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The Best Way to Save the World is to Save Yourself

Image via Wikipedia

The best way to save the world is to save yourself. Sweep your own doorstep. Tend your own garden. Always do what you've agreed to do. Never take anything that's not yours. Be generous, but sceptical, kind, but not naive.
- The Daily Reckoning Australia

Poverty, violence, hunger, war, global warming, religious intolerance, terrorism . . . the problems of the world may seem big, but the solutions to them are small. They start with one person, you. They start with simple actions, the kind of things that you, and I , can do everyday. Grand gestures are exciting, but its the little things that really count. Their effects ripple out from our own lives and make a difference in the lives of others.

1. Put your money where your mouth is
   Live by your values. Its easy to complain, its easy to throw up your arms in horror. But if you want to make a difference you need to have the courage of your convictions and you need to take action. Stand up for what you believe in.
   
   
2. Do less
   Sometimes less really is more. Spend less time talking and more time listening to others. Make a point of consuming less. Use less resources. Drive less and walk or cycle more. Eat less meat. Slow down and enjoy life.
   
   
3. Value the things you have
   Do you really need more Stuff? Do you need a new car, a bigger house, another TV? For many of us more stuff means more debt. And more debt means less time and more stress. Appreciate the things you already have.
   
   
4. Build relationships
   People are more important than things. Really! Make your life's focus more about people and less about Stuff. Cultivate your friendships, treat everyone you meet with respect, be kind.
   
   
5. Share what you have
   If any one thing can make a difference to the world then it has to be generosity. It doesn't have to be on a huge scale - we can't all give like Bill Gates. Be generous with your love, your time, your possessions, your money. Giving generously creates a feeling of abundance. It makes us less afraid of what we might lose, it builds community and connects people, it creates opportunity.
   

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Website Round Up - Friendship

This weeks Website Round Up is a great selection of sites to give you the skills and inspiration to make a real difference in the lives of your friends:

Active Listening - Hear what people are really saying
Kahlil Gibran - On Friendship
Building Friendships
Maintaining Friendship is crucial

Enjoy!! And don't forget to look up our How to Make a Difference charity, SALVEASERRA. Donate if you can or spread the word about the great work they do!

5 Ways to Be a Better Friend

Great friendships are one of the true pleasures in life (chocolate is another!!). They can take some hard work through the tough times, but knowing you have someone on your side through thick and thin, who is there to laugh when you laugh and cry when you cry - well, it doesn't get much better than that.

So if you want to make a difference in the world, start with the people you love and strive to be the best friend you can be. Here's a checklist to help you see how you are doing and help you become a great friend:

1. Listen

There is nothing more special than a friend who truly listens. Someone who pays attention, and just lets you say whatever it is you need to say without offering their opinion, passing judgement or giving advice. Its not an easy thing to do, but truly listening is one of the most wonderful gifts you can offer your loved ones.

2. Accept your friends warts and all

Choose to love your friends no matter what. Not one of us are perfect. We all have our off days, our frustrating habits. Accept this in your friends and don't judge. Love the good with the not so, its what makes your friends who they are.

3. Be honest

Always tell your friends the truth. Sometimes it might seem kinder, or easier to lie. But your friends count on you to be honest and trustworthy. Yes, sometimes it can feel like there is a fine line between being honest and being unkind. But you owe it to your friends to find a way to sensitively tell the truth.

4. Be loyal

Don't gossip - about your friends or anyone else. Speak up for your friends. Be there for them through thick and thin.

5. Be generous

Be generous with your time, be generous with your love. Don't begrudge your friends their good fortune. Be sure to share the best of yourself as well as the worst. Be there for the good times and for the bad times.