How to be Gracious Under Fire

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Criticism is hard to take. Even the well meaning, thoughtful criticism from people who sincerely want to help you be better bruises your ego a little and can make you feel defensive. When it comes to the nasty, vitriolic stuff . . . well, it can be hard to accept it with any kind of grace - even when its justified!

But its important to learn to graciously respond to criticism - especially the mean-spirited stuff and the feedback delivered in anger. There is no value in responding in kind. Even though it is sooooo tempting and might feel good for a moment, in the long run no one comes out of it a winner and nothing positive is gained.

I've had to deal with a bit of criticism in my time. Some of it I have been hugely appreciative of, some of it not so much. But every criticism I have received (even the stuff I've felt to be completely unjustified) has offered up opportunities to learn something about myself and to become better.

I struggle not to respond to negative feedback with more negativity . . . an angry retort when I feel the critique to be unfair or wallowing in self-loathing over my weaknesses when they are brought to my attention. Neither of these responses are particularly conducive to personal growth!

So, how do you respond to criticism graciously?

• Wait
  If your first impulse is to respond defensively, then take a few deep breaths. Give yourself a moment (or two) to calm down and cool off. Don't make your response until you can be more objective.
  
  
• Is it really so important to be right?
  Sometimes it really is more important to be kind than it is to be right. Put yourself in the other person's shoes - maybe they have a valid point but haven't expressed it well, maybe they're having a bad day, maybe you've inadvertently hit a nerve . . .
  
  Its tempting to argue, its tempting to point out all the reasons why they are wrong, its tempting to pick holes in their reasoning, call attention to their own failings, resort to name calling . . . but it serves no purpose, creates even more negativity and is ultimately a waste of your energy.
  
  So be kind. Thank them for their feedback. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Move on.
  
  
• Look for lessons
  There is always a lesson. Whether its something directly related to the criticism you received, a lesson about other people, or a lesson about yourself.
  
  Be honest with yourself. Its not always easy to accept that your critic may have a point - especially when their criticism is delivered in anger. But try to consider that you may indeed have room to improve.
  
  And if there are changes you need to make . . . then make them.
  
  
• Don't dwell on it
  Don't let the fact that your weaknesses have been exposed get you down. We're none of us perfect. If the feedback received was fair and useful - implement it and move on. Be grateful of the opportunity to become a better person.
  
  When the criticism wasn't so constructive or was just plain out nasty, don't take it personally. Often, mean-spirited criticism isn't about you, its about your critic - a manifestation of their own insecurities, fears and troubles. Learn what you can from it and let it go.
  
  

How do you handle criticism?

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Do the Right Thing

Image by Rickydavid via Flickr

I read today that a 28 year old woman is missing in New Zealand after showing up at a service station in a distressed state and asking to use their phone. Her request was denied, according to reports, because she had no cash or eftpos card.
I would guess that the service station probably has a policy that if people asked to use the phone they would have to pay for it. It makes sense. They run as a business, and they have to pay for their calls. There isn't much margin in selling petrol, so they wouldn't want to be out of pocket. But surely, in a situation where someone was obviously distressed and unable to pay, wouldn't you bend the rules?

What is wrong with us, as a society, that when someone obviously needs our help, we are more concerned with what we will get in return than in doing the right thing?

Why do we choose not to help someone in need:

• Are we too busy with other things?
• Do we feel that we don't have enough ourselves to be able to share what we have?
• Are we expecting someone else to do it?
• Do we not care?
• Do we think other people will judge us as weak if we show kindness or concern?

Why do so many of us choose to ignore the obvious pain of other people, of the planet, of our communities instead of doing what needs to be done to make a difference? Often its only the smallest of things – a phone call here, a kind word there, a couple of dollars, or just a couple of hours – and they make the world of difference.

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5 Ways to Build Community Every Day

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Gone are the days of the front porch communities. Yet, I did some research and I found that the average person spends more than 5 Years in line. 5 years, that translates into 1,825 days or 43,800 hours or 2,628,000 minutes! That is more than two and a half million minutes. Think about that the next time you are standing in line at the local supermarket, bank, or at your local coffee house? What could you do with 2.6 million minutes? What kind of community could you strengthen?

Taken from: theordainedbarista.wordpress.com

There are so many opportunities in everyday life to strengthen our communities if you are prepared to be brave enough to stand out from the crowd and make a difference.

It doesn't take much - a smile here, a compliment there, a little bit of chivalry . . . but these days its not the norm and for many people the sheer randomness of encountering a bit of 'nice' in their day puts them on guard. And for many of us, the possibility of sideways glances or brusque rebuffs is enough to put us off even trying.

If we want to make our cities, towns and neighbourhoods into really strong, socially cohesive communities, then we need to be prepared to personally make the difference. If other people look at us askance, so be it. There's no need to start with a dramatic gesture like Juan Mann and his Free Hugs campaign if that's not your style, there are lots of little things you can do as you go about your day that can be just as effective.

Here's some ideas for everyday community building to help get you started. Go on, be brave, be nice, have fun!!

1. Pay someone a compliment. Its amazing what a conversation starter a compliment can be. Compliment someone on their hair, their kids, their shoes . . .
   
   
2. Open the door for someone. I know, as a Mum of two (one in a stroller), just how much of a help this can be. But you don't have to just help someone with their hands full, simply holding the door for the person coming up behind you is a gesture that doesn't go unnoticed.
   
   
3. Pick up rubbish. Nothing says 'community pride' like tidy streets and parks! If you see litter about in YOUR community, pick it up!
   
   
4. Say hello to your neighbour. You can't have a strong community if you don't know your neighbours. Start by saying hello next time you see them!
   
   
5. Remember people's names - you know, the guy at the local dairy, the gas station attendant you see every day, the postman, the local librarian . . . if you want to make people feel part of the community calling them by name is a great start!
   

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I am who I think I am

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There’s always some way I can reinforce the things that matter to me in the universe, and I’m the only one that can do it. And if they don’t accept my praise and rewards, or if it means less to them than it does to me, that’s fine. It still keeps my cares and behaviors consistent with each other. I can look someone, or myself, in the eye and say “I am who I think I am.” - Scott Berkun

To make a difference, you occasionally have to choose a course of action that others may disparage or disagree with. Its a fact of life. Whenever we lift our head out of the sand to stand up for what we believe in we run the risk of someone chopping it off - or thinking we are weak, or silly or just plain out wrong. Its not easy - and its not always a great deal of fun. But ultimately, if we hold back from doing what's right for fear of what other people might think, we are selling ourselves short.

You can't live your life based on other people's perceptions of who you are. It makes you fearful, and fear makes you weak. It means you hand your personal power over to others. It means you will never live up to your potential. It demeans you.

Other people will always have something to say about the choices you make. When you choose to be kind, some people may perceive it as weakness or naivety. When you choose to show gratitude some people may be nonplussed or unappreciative. When you choose to champion a cause some people may think you are an idiot, or a troublemaker. But their perceptions of you are not necessarily reality.

The only person whose opinion should matter to you is YOU! You cannot control the perceptions of others. You are only in control of your actions, your choices. If your life choices are not based on a strong set of core values, then standing your ground in the face of opposition is all but impossible. You become extremely vulnerable and easily swayed. How can you have a positive impact on the world if you are being buffeted to and fro by the storms of public opinion?

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An Ounce of Kindness

Image by elycefeliz via FlickrI read a blog post at Platonic Trip a while back that has stayed with me, kind of like a splinter that I just haven't been able to dig out. Its been irritating me beyond measure!

The gist of the post is that the writer was amongst a group of people approached by a man asking for money to buy medicine for his sick kids. Only one member of the group gave any money. The writer of the post outlined his reasons for not giving. According to his way of thinking the man asking for the money should have gone to the Church, or some Government agency to ask for help rather than bail up a group of individuals and try to emotionally blackmail them into helping him and his family out. The writer felt that there was no point in helping the man as he should have gone elsewhere to get the money he needed and drew the conclusion that kindness is a weakness and therefore not a virtue worth pursuing.

This post bothers me on many different levels.

I am not a fan of being approached by people in need asking me for money. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I like to have time to consider my options, to feel that I am not being taken advantage of. Giving in a face to face manner makes me anxious - I worry that I am not giving enough, or I'm giving too much, or I'm not being effective in my giving by giving directly to an individual. Given all this, I can relate to the fact that the writer of the post wasn't thrilled at being approached by the man asking for money.

However, his reasons for not giving seem shallow and badly thought out.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is a bad thing to not give money in situations like this. Many people are on limited or fixed incomes themselves and don't have spare for spontaneous giving. And the writer is correct, there are agencies and institutions in most countries that are set up to help people in just these circumstances. I'm sure the man in need could have visited them.

Perhaps he didn't know where to go? Rather than simply ignore him and his story, perhaps someone could have shown him a kindness and pointed him in the right direction to get help?

Was it really emotional blackmail appealing to the kindness of strangers in a time of need? I'm not advocating that anyone hand their life savings over to the first desperate sounding stranger with a sob story that approaches them, but surely, if you have a little money (time, food, other appropriate item) spare would it really hurt to share? Even if it does make you anxious or uncomfortable?

While his reasons for not giving disappoint me, the writer's conclusion that kindness is a weakness gobsmacks me.

Kindness is not the same as naivety. Its not blindly giving to everyone who asks, its not meekly accepting other people's bad behaviour, or unquestioningly believing whatever you are told.

Kindness is about choosing to make cups of tea for angry people because you know that your actions will make a difference. Its about being generous when you can do so, and respectfully saying no when you feel it is inappropriate or simply not possible. Kindness is about being strong and standing up for what you believe in, about being respectful and assertive. Kindness is about cultivating connections with others and building community.

Kindness would have to be one of my favourite virtues. It shows real strength of character.

.

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The Best Way to Save the World is to Save Yourself

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The best way to save the world is to save yourself. Sweep your own doorstep. Tend your own garden. Always do what you've agreed to do. Never take anything that's not yours. Be generous, but sceptical, kind, but not naive.
- The Daily Reckoning Australia

Poverty, violence, hunger, war, global warming, religious intolerance, terrorism . . . the problems of the world may seem big, but the solutions to them are small. They start with one person, you. They start with simple actions, the kind of things that you, and I , can do everyday. Grand gestures are exciting, but its the little things that really count. Their effects ripple out from our own lives and make a difference in the lives of others.

1. Put your money where your mouth is
   Live by your values. Its easy to complain, its easy to throw up your arms in horror. But if you want to make a difference you need to have the courage of your convictions and you need to take action. Stand up for what you believe in.
   
   
2. Do less
   Sometimes less really is more. Spend less time talking and more time listening to others. Make a point of consuming less. Use less resources. Drive less and walk or cycle more. Eat less meat. Slow down and enjoy life.
   
   
3. Value the things you have
   Do you really need more Stuff? Do you need a new car, a bigger house, another TV? For many of us more stuff means more debt. And more debt means less time and more stress. Appreciate the things you already have.
   
   
4. Build relationships
   People are more important than things. Really! Make your life's focus more about people and less about Stuff. Cultivate your friendships, treat everyone you meet with respect, be kind.
   
   
5. Share what you have
   If any one thing can make a difference to the world then it has to be generosity. It doesn't have to be on a huge scale - we can't all give like Bill Gates. Be generous with your love, your time, your possessions, your money. Giving generously creates a feeling of abundance. It makes us less afraid of what we might lose, it builds community and connects people, it creates opportunity.
   

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5 Ways to be Generous in Tough Economic Times

Image via WikipediaWith prices rising and the fear of deepening recession over our heads, its easy to justify a little selfishness. Its hard enough to look after our own families in these times of doubt, let alone trying to help anyone else, right?

Our communities have become so fragmented, and people are so busy with their individual concerns, that quite often they don't even know their neighbours, let alone know how they are coping in the current uncertain economic climate.

But for our Communities to come out of this better off, we all need to give a little - or even a lot. And I'm not talking money here. Peruse the list below for ideas on how you can give even when times are tough!

1. Got a Green Thumb?
If you already have a vegetable garden, consider growing extra to donate to the local foodbank or to families you know that are in need. You could donate your expertise to help start a community garden or teach your neighbours how to grow their own food. You could organise for everyone in your street to grow a different vegetable and share amongst yourselves.

Read more about growing your own vegetables in pots here. Find out about creating your own Urban Homestead here.


2. Be Kind
Be thoughtful, try not to judge. Nobody in financial trouble specifically chose that outcome. They probably made choices along the way that made it more likely, but I doubt they woke up one morning and decided they wanted to be a statistic in the next recession.

Many people are afraid at the moment. Afraid they may lose their jobs, their businesses, the things they have worked hard to accumulate. Bear this in mind during your dealings with others and be kind.

Read more about the importance of remembering to be kind here.
Check out Operation NICE's beautiful NICE Tip Cards here.

3. Are You Good with Money?
Personal Financial Management skills are sadly lacking for many people these days, and frugal living is only just coming back into fashion. If you have budgeting and frugal living down to a fine art, offer your services to others in your community. You could work with individuals, or offer classes in the evenings or weekends.

4. Got Skills?
Are there people in your community that need things done but can't afford to pay? If you've got the skills to help them out, then be generous with your time and offer your services for free. It could be anything from advocacy to yardwork, car repairs to home maintenance. You could even set up some sort of Time Bank or barter system.

Read more about Time Banking here.

5. Be a Good Neighbour
Support you neighbourhood. Shop locally wherever possible - it saves you money on petrol and it saves you time because you don't have to go as far. Shopping locally keeps money and jobs in your community (in comparison, when you shop at the supermarket about 80% of your spend leaves the community), and a thriving neighbourhood keeps your property values up!

Read more about building a strong neighbourhood here.

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The Joy of Nice

One of the easiest and most effective ways of making a difference is to make a conscious effort to be nice as you go about your daily life.

I like to think I'm pretty nice, well at least most of the time, as I'm sure all of us do. I recently discovered Operation NICE - well, actually Melissa of Operation NICE recently discovered me - and now I've been inspired to break out of my comfort zone and be even nicer to the people I encounter in my day.

As Melissa says "A little NICE goes a long way" - so head on over to Operation NICE and check out 5 Ways to Make the World a Kinder Place for inspiration.

5 Reasons to embrace the F-word

Image via Wikipedia Forgiveness isn't something that gets a lot of air time in the popular press. In fact, its often treated as an oddity, something to be admired in others but not necessarily practised by your average individual.

A growing field of research, however, is finding that forgiveness is an important process for us all to embrace as part of our everyday life.

“Why is compassion so important? Someone must take the initiative to move beyond the cycle of old choices and responses that brings more pain and suffering and recognize the opportunity for a healing response to life itself. This is also true of the forgiveness that results from a compassionate heart. Today we face many problems, and the time has come for us to think on a deeper human level where we understand and respect the humanness of everyone. Though we might regard someone as an enemy, this enemy is also a human being who is trapped by his or her own demons and who has a right to happiness.”
—His Holiness, The Dalai Lama

If this isn't enough to convince you, take a look at these 5 reasons to forgive those who done you wrong:

1. Its good for you
Forgiveness can contribute to your health and happiness. It lowers blood pressure and reduces stress. It reduces depression and anxiety symptoms.

2. Its good for your relationships
If you make forgiveness a part of your life, you will become less hostile and more hopeful. You are likely to attract more friends, and have better relationships. Forgiveness is one of the foundations of a long lasting, healthy marriage/partnership and a strong, happy, loving family.

3. It makes you a stronger person
Forgiveness is not easy. It is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of great personal strength. By choosing not to forgive, you choose to remain the victim. By forgiving, you are not condoning the offense or hurt, or even reconciling with the person who hurt you. What you are doing is freeing yourself to move on past the pain and resentment.

4. Its an opportunity for transformation
Forgiveness allows individuals and whole nations to heal. It reduces hostility and ends emotional and mental anguish. It can stop the cycle of hatred and hurt that stymies efforts for peace.

5. Holding grudges is like eating rat poison and waiting for the rat to die
In other words its painful, unpleasant, takes up a lot of energy and is essentially pointless. By letting go, you free up all that energy and can focus it on more positive pursuits as you continue your life's journey.

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How to Teach your Child Empathy

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Empathy is an extremely important skill for our children to develop. Simply put, it is the abilty to understand the feelings of others and to respond in an appropriate way. It is one of the most primary of moral fundamentals as it defines our relationships and the way we interact socially. Unfortunately, it is not something that develops on its own- Instead it is a skill that must be taught, encouraged and developed.

Children who are not taught empathy grow to be callous adults who have difficulties forming good relationships with others. Having a capacity for empathy now helps your children relate to others better. The benefits are many, the least of which will help them to achieve more in school.

Scientific studies suggest that children under the age of 18 months are not able to understand the concept of empathy, but by modelling the behaviour you want to encourage in them you are providing a good foundation to build on as they grow.

HOW TO HELP...

-Young children need to learn to name their emotions.

It helps them to make sense of their emotional world and is the first building block in learning empathy. Naming emotions allows you to talk about them with your child. You can begin to help your child understand what to do with their feelings and teach them such important concepts as how their actions affect others, consequences etc.

-Keep an eye out for opportunities to practise empathy with your child.

You could encourage your child to befriend the new boy or girl at playgroup. Talk about feeling lonely and being friendly and how that would make the other child feel. With older children you can discuss social issues and ask questions like, "How would you feel if . . .". Or 'What would you do . . . ". Perhaps you could let your actions teach the lesson. Take on some sort of volunteer work as a family, or offer your family's services to weed your neighbours garden when they are not well.

-Teach your child the basic rules of politeness.

Saying your pleases and thank yous is a concrete way to show respect and caring to other people. It didnt do us any harm!

- Children also need to learn to read non-verbal clues about how people are feeling.

They need to be taught how to read facial expressions and body language- You could play a sort of 'Emotional Charades' game - where you model an emotion and your child has to guess what it is. Role play is another good way to hone this skill.

-Give your child chores to complete each day.

Research has found that children who learn responsibility also learn altruism ( unselfishness/compassion ) and caring.

The most important thing you can do to teach your child empathy is to model it yourself.

Try not to use anger to control your child. Easier said than done, I know, but by treating your child calmly yet firmly and above all fairly you are teaching your child an important lesson about caring and respect.

Take an interest in your child's social world- Ask specific questions about the people in your childs daily life. This reinforces the importance of relationships with others.

After all, no man is an island...

If you want to read more visit:
http://www.education-world.com/a_issues/chat/chat166.shtml
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_the-caring-child-how-to-teach-empathy_67936.pc
http://life.familyeducation.com/parenting/friendships/29483.html
http://www.activityvillage.co.uk/teach_kids_empathy.htm

5 Ways to Make the World a Kinder Place

You don't have to make grand gestures or donate large sums of money to charity to make the world a better place. Often its the little things that make the biggest difference of all. Here's a list of inspirations to get you started making the world a kinder place.

1. Smile and say “hello” to someone you don’t know.


2. Carry inexpensive, pocket-sized rain ponchos in your car and hand them out to pedestrians who are getting drenched in a downpour.


3. Let someone merge into traffic during rush hour.


4. Offer to baby-sit for free to give a single parent an evening off.


5. Call or visit a homebound person.

Want more ideas? Visit The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation one of my all time favourite places on the internet.